Dear Bill McGinfee

Bill, Bill, Bill. I just have to shake my head at you. I can't even imagine how terribly difficult it must be to manage a town where ninety-nine percent of it's residents pretty much consider you a tool these days, and I admire your cajones of steel for keepin' on. I mean really, people getting their panties in a wad just because you lost track of a couple million dollars here and there is just absurd, am I right? So allow me to come through the angry crowd and offer you not only support, but more ideas on how you can make some more money. Charging residents 25 dollars to park at their own beaches? GENIOUS! But come on, Billy, why stop there when there are thousands more you can make without leaving that cushy seat. Here me out, I don't even know why you haven't brought ideas like this up already.

Playgrounds for example. They're freaking everywhere and people use them ALL the time, right? Even kids love them, so why not fence those suckers in and charge a small fee per child, per hour. Let's say, five bucks. People won't mind, that's how much the average mother and nanny spends on their Starbucks drink they sip while they sit on the benches nearby (After they pay the dollar fee to sit, of course.) See? Instant cash right at your finger tips.

Oh, I've got more too. Since charging people to park their cars at beaches went over so well, it would be equally reasonable to charge motorists to drive down our roads too. We'll make up a permit that drivers have to stick on their bumpers for access to each hamlet and the village, and each permit can cost say, fifty bucks, annually, per vehicle. People who ride bicycles just have to stick each permit on their helmet, and if some stingy jerk refuses and tries to rebel by riding down a street without the correct permit, we tazer them. Yup, not only tazer them, but then charge the hooligan a fee for having to use the tazer! After all, those suckers can't be cheap, Bill.

That's not all! I also have ideas for jogging permits, skipping permits, kite flying permits, swimming permits, dog walking permits (with an extra fee for every dump the pooch takes on town property), eating permits, talking-on-your-cell-phone-while-leaning-up-against-a-town-tree-or-light-pole permits, dancing permits, Ipod permits, Joy and Laughter permits, painting permits, cigarette smoking permits, laying on town grass to gaze at clouds and day dream about Johnny Depp permits, breathing permits, speaking permits, book reading permits, sticking chewed gum underneath that bench when no one's looking permits, bus stop useage permits, calling someone by a snappy nickname permits, permits to name your child anything starting with the letter M, and of course, complaining to you about anything ever permits (those are really, really expensive.)

Now I know what you're thinking. Liz, how can we pass all these amazing money making ideas by all those stupid locals. We need a really good way to pull the wool right over their eyes (and then charge a fee).

Well Bill, take a deep breath, you already figured that out when you passed the beach fee permits! We'll just hold a "public meeting" at say, 1 oclock(am) on a Tuesday and not tell anyone about it. Then, just to be safe, this time around we'll tweak it a bit and charge a fee to whoever shows up at the door! That'll fix them.

Well buddy, now all you need to do is implement these permits and you'll be rolling in dough again before you know it. Sure, people might continue to believe you're a tool and possibly form an voilently angry mob over these bits of sheer genious, but just put "pitchfork and torch weilding" permit into effect with an extravagant fee and you'll be fine, I guaranfee - I mean tee, guarantee, it.