The Plight of White

Before I was able to finish my first rant on forcing locals to pay fees for parking their cars. (Ha.) Our own Dear Leader pulled another stunt. So now, if a "neighbor" who doesn't even live in the neighborhood wants to sell a house they're (morbidly) waiting to inherit for a bazillion dollars, and starts complaining about another neighbors yard in fear it might decrease the future ka-ching in their own pockets, Dear Leader will come in and not only take your stuff that can be deemed "junk", but EVERYTHING that isn't tied down with electrified chains.

Do you like to Barbeque? Tough, because Billy Bob Boy will take your grill if it ain't gold plated and "Hamptons Pretty" enough. Do you sell hot dogs in the summer for some extra money in a cool truck dubbed The Patriotic Peddler in this difficult economy? Not anymore! That sucker's getting destroyed and dragged onto a not-so-patriotic flatbed. How about some awesome antiques and classic cars? Dear Leader says nope! Those are going to be recycled (in other words SOLD to a plant for scrapmetal money. We're not stupid, that's what recycling metal is.) Hey, is that a chair and table you're sitting eating a sandwich on? Hand it over, and if it's light mayo I'll take the sandwich too. Confiscating property sure does work up an appetite. Warrant say what? Paperwork proving the dozens of men and machines carving up your yard and taking your stuff? Who? No hablo englais, Senior Blanco. No idea what you're talkin' about. Hey, is that a basset hound?


Just kidding. They didn't take Lord Nelson... as far as I know.


Don't get me wrong, Mr. Whites yard wasn't the purdiest thing, I know because I as a kid lived right behind him and he was one of my favorite lovably eccentric neighbors. His property could very well be the reason no one has found Jimmy Hoffa. But really? The guy lives between a dead end street and low-traffic hill, and although the yard itself was cluttered with everything from a 6 foot tall hotdog to a catamaran, you didn't even notice it unless you're right there. Personally I want to know what safety violations the hot dog posed. Was it radioactive or a cleverly disguised weapon of mass destruction? Did it come to life at the light of the Full Moon and vandalize neighboring houses with ketchup and mustard packets? The cars and boat were deemed "public safety violations." That must mean they were filled with toxic waste and were a the main source of our Swine Flu epidemic. Or maybe one was housing a litter of Montauk Monsters he was feeding small animals to and caring for. For God sakes people, there's a full sized basketball court hundreds of young kids must play on right next to the place according to Bill!

No? Just a court? No again? A hoop on the side of the road? Oops, my bad.

Well, something about the property HAD to be harmful to someones safety. That's why everyone who ripped the place up that Friday did so in Biohazard suits. Right?

Oh, no suits? Maybe masks then at least, right? No again? Huh, weird.

And people are complaining about warrants. Come on now, this is the Billinator we're talking about, he thinks Legal is a new hybrid pet cross between a Lemur and Beagle. (I think I saw a couple of those being walked in Town the other day.) If the ACLU hears about this and decides to jump his gun, he'll just bat his eyes innocently, pucker his lips in his favorite heels, low cut flannel and Daisy Dukes, and when they're good and distracted throw a lawyer curled into the fetal position and screaming "BUT BILL I DON'T WANT THIS CASE!" at them.

What's next? If I have to run to the deli before my morning shower for some sugar (because I HAVE to shower with my coffee), is Bill going to sent his crew of Stealth Hygeine Ninjas to spray me down with a hose of aerosol deoderant, powder my face and change me into a pair of slacks... and then bill me for it?

So Rian, if Bill was so uptight about your belongings, what is he going to do if I decide not to mow my lawn and weed my garden? I hope he comes over and does it for me, I've been pretty lazy lately and my yard is quite a mess. Oh, Bill, My truck hasn't been washed lately either, do you mind? I only use turtle wax on it after, though, so don't get all cheap and buy some generic Walmart stuff. My mailbox and front door needs a new coat of paint too, oh and I haven't done my gutters yet. Hurry, before my neighbors start worrying about their public safety! Long grass can have potentially property-value-lowering deer ticks, that can't be ignored!