Sweet Jesus She's Back

And by she, I mean me. Yes folks, I was evicted with the demise of my old domain and had to set sail for new land, which brought me here. Let's call this a literary clean slate.
What, you say? Who the hell is this chick, you ask? If you're new I'll begin with a little background; let's call it my condensed autobiography:

My life began like any other. I was born in the small jungle village of Akaleekiewakwaka in the year of 1984. At four days old I was abducted by Dingos and rescued by a mother condor, who after losing her nest of chicks to a Typhoon raised me as her own. At five years old I left the nest in search of food and was discovered by an explorer, who took me back to the states where I became part of a travelling carnival and made millions as "Tikiki The Wild Jungle Girl."As an adult I left the carnival and invested most of my profit in a company that swore it's diet colas tasted just like regular. Alas, the company ended up beeing a scam and they fled to Nigeria before I discovered there is no such drink in existance.
Broke and Homeless, for two years I washed windows on a busy city intersection by day, and moonlighted as a fake psychic until enough money as made to fly to Nigeria to find the scam artists who wronged me. After three years of searching I found the villians and with the help of the government and a voodoo witch doctor I befriended apon my arrival to the country, the men were all transformed into small adorable rodents, who were sadly eaten by stray dogs before my money was recovered. Though still penniless, my revenge satisfied me and I returned to the states in high spirits, met my husband and settled down for a life of quiet solitude, but secretely in wait for the day I recieve the call to undercover service I promised Nigerian Authorities in return for their help in the past.


Translation: I am a stay home home mom to three children. One furry, two not so furry - with a shortage of Normal Pills and an abundance of spare time.




And spare time can be a deadly thing.




(I know, the bottle says "shrit" and not "shirt". I decided it gave it character and kept on purpose. No really. I did.)



What else would you like to know? For starters, I swear. A lot. Especially here on the magical internet because I have to watch my mouth nowadays in front of my 3 year old darling daughter, who will repeat anything you say better than an obnoxiously expensive parrot.



By the way - She's about to turn three, her first word was "Beer", and she's awefully cute, if I do say so myself:

We shall call her Ma.

Good morning, Ma.


Then we have the slighly newer spawnaddition to the family, we shall dub for this purpose, Moo.

Moo is a mad scientist in the making.

The furry child I mentioned earlier is KiKi the Psycho Cat.

I won't even get creative with this one. She's fucking nuts and won't stand still long enough to get a decent non-blurry picture taken of her. Though evil looking, this is the best shot of her in existance. She is a masochist who allows Ma to drag her all over the house by her fluffy psychotail and seems to enjoy it.

And then there's the spermhunk responsible for bringing these beings into the world (well, everyone but the cat.) Lurch. Isn't he cute?

(He's the one with the tie. Heh. Heh.)

So there you have it. Our hip happy family. So sit back, have a drink, laugh, cry, comment during the upcoming weeks as I get this thing rocking. Don't ask, don't tell and we'll party like it's 2009.

P.S - I know, I know, the layout's rather nekkid. I'm working on it people.